CORNY reviews

Dinner For Schmucks

2010-07-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul "Got Matsui" Rudd,
I can't honestly say I can think of a movie where I thought it was a bad career choice for you. Ok maybe diggers, but other than that you have an amazingly great streak of good movies...and then this. I can't help but think you only did this movie to work with Jeff Dunham...I mean Steve Carell. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work with Steve again, but come on Dinner for Schmucks seemed like a wise career choice? I am gonna go ahead and say no. Your manager probably told you "it's gonna be great, the director of Meet the Parents is going to direct it." This immediately is a bad sign. Meet the Parent was awful. It was a way for Hollywood to bank off of the the unfunny Ben Stiller during the holidays. Paul I'm not mad at you for doing this movie, i'm just disappointed. Know that I won't stop watching your movies, but I hope you don't make a mistake like this again. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Corny Reviews

Paul Rudd wants a promotion. In order to get one he must invite an idiot to dinner to make fun of him. Steve Carell is that idiot...and Hilarity ensues. This is what should be on the cover of the DVD. Which is when you should see this movie. Only on DVD. This movie is two-sided. The first half of this movie is down right awful. It is not a comedy, and its not a love story, and it's not quirky. It's somewhere in between. It seems as though the director/screenwriter/actors all have no idea what is going on in the first 60 minutes of this movie. I laughed all of three times and I think the audience laughed 4. Gosh people love the Flight of the Concords guy. Frankly my dear [wink wink] I think that show is awful. Hang up the business socks, and do something else besides comedy. The first 50 minutes is suppose to set up the rest of the movie to succeed. Dinner for Schmucks did not do this. In fact the last 50 minutes of this movies weren't bad, but the first 50 did so much damage you as the audience member weren't able to enjoy the last half as much. The second half of this movie was actually quite funny. Steve Carell was on top of him game, and Zach Galifinakis looked as if he was playing himself. Either way the movie took a touching yet comedic turn after a horrible 60 minutes. Did it make up for the entire movie...no way. This movie wasn't salvageable since the first time America watched the trailer and thought to themselves...wait what is that movie about? I would like to thank a man in the movie that was a blind Olympic Fencer, you provided unsuspected comedy, and for that I applaud you. Please America don't watch this movie in Theateres. Wait for DVD and skip the first 60 minutes. I give the first half of this movie an...EXTRA SMALL BAG OF POPCORN. I give the second half of this movie a MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN.

PAST REVIEWS

2010-07-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hello fans sorry that I have not been keeping you up to date on all the hit summer movies. I know its hard to believe, but I have a personal life, and at times things get a little busy. For those of you interested here are my quick reviews of the movies I saw in June/July.

Toy Story 3 - EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN [Not for kids, but great movie]
Grown Ups - LARGE BAG OF POPCORN [Adam Sandler knows his fans and he delivered to them, not critics]
Marmaduke - Ok I actually didn't waste my time on this one.
Predators - MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN [No need for a remake, but the ending was worth the ticket price]
Eclipse - SMALL BAG OF POPCORN [better than the first 2, but this is once again the worst display of acting, when Kristin Stewart is the best actor on set, that is a bad sign]
Despicable Me - EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN [Another sign that Pixar isn't the only company that can make great movies. This movies is completely original, and I love that about it.]
Sorcerer's Apprentice - MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN [Considering I was the only one in the theatre at 9:55AM I enjoy the Nick Cage/Jay Baruchal tag team]
Inception - EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN [Maybe not the best movie of the year, but certainly mind-blowing. Thank you Ellen Page for growing up a bit]
Salt - SMALL BAG OF POPCORN [If you have seen G-Force then you have seen this movie. If you didn't get that reference, I am referring to the one with the spy hamsters who do completely ridiculous things. Just like this movie.]

Cyrus - TRIPLE EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN [This is the best movie of 2010. Jay Duplass has done it again. If you have seen The Puffy Chair you know this director was bound to make something great. Cyrus is that something. Amazing Direction. Amazing Art Direction. Amazing Movie. I feel like the Bachelorette, I just say Amazing all the time.]

Dinner For Schmucks Review coming soon...
I love my fans!

The A-Team

2010-06-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

Dear fans of MMA,

I will never understand you. The fact that you like watching men fight each other inside of a cage is beyond me. Never in my life will I watch something so "bro"ish. At least WWE is fake, and has given the world Dwayne Johnson, who for some reason despite a horrific movie career so far has managed to still capture americas heart. The fact that your company has now given us Rampage Jackson is a complete disgrace. The man can't act...well neither could Mr. T, but come one MMA. If you are as great as America thinks you are then give Hollywood something to look at. Instead I am going to continue to express my hatred towards you for a long time. Oh and by the way. While watching a fight I just want you to look at the crowd. Just see how many guys are wearing Fedoras, and Affliction/Ed Hardy shirts. BARF. So basically what I am saying is the entire movie hinged on who was going to play B.A., and well you gave us crap. Oh whats that, you want to know who I would have put in their to replace him. Duh Cedric the Entertainer. Why you ask. Cause he can actually entertain us rather than your fellow nicknamed friend RAMPAGE. K LATER BRO

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

"The guys specialize in the ridiculous." Thank you Jessica Biel for giving us this tagline because it ultimately sums up the movie. It is absolutely RIDICULOUS...but in a really good way. Of course this movie is not an award winner. Of course this movie has a very thin plot, but I guarantee you the reason why you walked into the movie theatre in the first place was not because of either of these 2 things. This movie is so ridiculous that it is actually good. The 1980's show was so over the top and cheesy that America fell in love with it. The 2010 A-Team was basically the same thing. Bad Acting/Bad Story/Bad Writing, yet so completely over the top, I enjoyed it. I can completely understand why not as many people went and saw this movie...it wasn't really the A-Team. Sure the names were the same, but this was no ode to the original. This movie decided they were going to go in a completely different direction. Why was the show so successful. Mr. T, and his van is the only answer you are looking for. This movie had neither of those. So instead of a reboot of the show, hollywood has gone and created it's own A-Team. The go to Action guy [Neissen], The hunk [Cooper], The rising star [The guy from District 9], and the most well known face in MMA [Jackson, not Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson]They are just as ridiculous, and just as fun as the orginal shows character, but it's 30 years later. Because of the bomb this movie took at the box office I don't know if we will get a sequel out of the A-Team, but if the same special effects guys are on board you can count me in. The special effects were unbelievable. I honestly could not tell their was a green screen while watching the movie. Their are so many guns being fired, and action happening that you get lost in the fun instead of get stuck on how over the top this movie is. The difference between this movie and Transformers is that the A-Team is not trying to be a good movie, and you get that impression. Rather it's about 4 guys specializing in ridiculous action, and that is all you are going to get. If you are not into that well then don't see this movie. It's simple. If you are a child under 13 don't see this movie. If you appreciate entertainment, and have 2 hours spare watch this movie is theatres. Thank you for your time, and I give this movie a...

LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Karate Kid

2010-06-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Jackie Chan,
Since when were you an actor. I have seen you in many movies including some old favorites like Shanghai Knights, and Shanghai Noon, but never have I seen you actually act. The fact that your last movie was titled The Spy Next Door makes me think this isn't the same Jackie Chan. It think you lucked out on the Karate Kid. Paramount found the perfect role for you, and man did you nail your character. There wasn't a moment in this movie where I thought..."What is he doing in this movie." Rather I kept thinking throughout..."Holy Crap Jackie Chan can act." I am going on record that given the right role you are a great actor, and you exceeded my expectations in the Karate Kid. Congratulations on actually being a actor, and not a action movie star. In the same way Jean Claude Van Damm proved his acting chops in JCVD, you just proved yours. So thanks for making the Karate Kid a great movie.

Sincerely Your Newest Fan,
Corny Reviews

Lets put this movie in perspective, because I know a lot of you are haters, just because of the name. It's remake of a classic 1980's comedy/fun family movie. Obviously for nostalgia reasons the original is going to be better in everyones mind. What I ask is that you go back and actually watch the original and compare it to this one now. I personally believe the newest version is far better than the original. Also the movie is not about Karate. It's about Kung Fu. Why don't they name the movie Kung Fu Kid...Well for 2 reasons. 1 that is a stupid name, and 2 the production company likes a brand name, and its well known. It was well known enough to make $60 million opening weekend. EAT IT A-TEAM! With all that being said the Karate Kid is a GREAT movie. It's a great movie for many reasons. One might look at this movie, and think Oh its predictable. You're right it is predictable, but since when does that not make it a good movie. Everyone knows what happens at the end of the Passion of the Christ...yet its still a good movie. You can pretty much guess what is going to happen at the end of all 3 Spider-mans, and 2 of them are actually good. So get that thought out of your mind that this movie isn't good because its predictable. Duh its predictable, but what makes this movie great is 1 thing...The Acting. Jaden Smith is talented. He is following in the footsteps of his father, and he is only 12 years old. I don't think we are going to see Jaden Smith make a poor career choice like other young actors. I think with his father's resume I wouldn't expect anything different from his son. Jaden Smith, and Jackie Chan made this movie. Their is one scene inside of a car, that is not only directed beautifully, but truly shows that both of these actors deserve credibility in the acting world. Most of you have already dismissed me as a reviewer, and don't go see any movies I tell you to see, but you are not going to want to miss this one. Of course you already know the story of the Karate Kid, but see this movie, for the sole reason of seeing a has-been actor prove himself, and an up in coming actor show that he deserves respect. I hope you all see this movie, and don't dismiss me. If you do dismiss me however, please let me know by commenting. For crying out loud please just comment. I give this movie a...
LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Prince of Persia

2010-05-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

This summer stinks. The truth is you can't start a summer off with a blockbuster hit such as Iron Man, and then follow it up with Robin Hood, and Shrek. Then the following week you [I really don't know who this you is addressing] come out with Prince of Persia, and Sex in the City. I hope Corny Review loyal fans out their don't think that I am bad reviewer, which I kind of am, but that you know I am saving myself for the better movies that are coming out later this summer. However I did see one movie in the month of may that I was secretly excited about. So here is my take on Prince of Persia.

Dear Prince of Persia Casting Agency,

Why? Why cast Jake Gyllenhal. When you think Prince of Persia you can stand before me without smiling, and say "Oh it has to be the guy from Bubble Boy." If you answer yes to that question I WILL have you fired. This is arguably one of the worst casting choices in the history of cinema...behind Nicholas Cage as Ghostwriter. Where to begin. The guy doesn't even have a british, or this case Persian accent. Remember this is guy who entered a rocket competition in October Sky, the the Persia prince is about a guy who saves the world from getting turned back in time, and never existing. To cast the same guy in both movies, does not make sense. I am sorry to say, but the casting of Jake Gyllenhal ruined your movie the second the trailer came out.

With Love,
Corny Reviews

Lets be fair. I am a SUCKER, for anything that has to do with ancient greek mythology. I love, I MEAN LOVE, the Mummy movies. That to me is the exact definition of a summer movie franchise. Just entertainment. And the truth is when I saw the trailer for Prince of Persia I really wanted to see it. I entered this movie with no expectations other than to relive the first video game I can say I actually beat. I knew the acting was going to be bad...and I was correct, but what saved this movie, was the action. The movie was filled with extreme stunts and plenty of action to the point where you actually think to yourself..."That could never happen." Yet when you watch SpiderMan you never think that. The way the director depicted the dagger taking back time was really well done I thought. He takes a first person camera angle, and allows the audience to go back in time with them, which I thought was an interesting "Duke Nukem" [another video game reference] tactic. This movie was leaps and bounds better than Clash of the Titans, and honestly the CGI was too. Was it family friendly. I would say so. This is the 2nd disney movie that is PG-13, and I would probably let a 10 year old go to it. There is a bit of blood, but they do a pretty good job, and not letting is get out of control. So for a summer movie with horrible acting, but with loads of action, and a pretty cool story I give this movie a...
MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

Oceans / Babies

2010-05-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, but the truth is that no good movies have come out in a long time. Also their will be plenty of reviews coming this summer, and the surge of summer movies begins. I am sure most of my fans...if I have any are wondering why I am not doing a review on Iron Man. Well to answer that question, Iron Man is such a huge movie like Transformers that no matter how I review it, you the American Consumer are going to see it anyways. I am going to simultaneously review two brand new documentaries [my second favorite genre of movies] that I thought were very fascinating.

Dear Educational Documentaries,

Thank you so much for being unique, and unlike most other movies. You have managed to form your own style of documentary, and for that I am grateful. I feel as though I know so much more about the ocean, and about infants. You are much more educational than anything I could have learned in child development classes, history classes, and oceanology classes. I am bummed that during my small stint at the worlds greatest community college...Cabrillo, you did not educate us with these fascinating documentaries.

Sincerely,
Corny Reviews

Most of you have never heard of either of these documentaries. Ocean and Babies are about exactly what you think they are about the ocean, and babies. Ocean discovers new worlds under the sea, and gives the world a remarkable inside look at what goes on beneath the amazing wonder that is the ocean. Babies is a "movie" I guess about 4 babies that are documented for 1 year in 4 different places in the world. We see how different cultures raise their babies, and although it might make USA mothers go crazy, it truly is incredible to see the way babies are raised in various different part of the world. Each documentary is unique in their own way. Pierce Brosnan narrates Oceans, and does a decent job with it. Babies on the other hand has no narration, which at first is odd, but what babies is trying to do is truly capture the essence of the 1st year of having a child. The thing I appreciate about both is the cinematography. Holy Smokes! The cameras, the lighting, the angles are incredible. I wish movie directors, and cinematographers would take some pointers from this film. They seem to capture the oceans not necessarily by the animals themselves, but by the way they are filmed. The same goes for babies. Yes, babies are cute, but the angles, and lighting at which they are shot is brilliant. If you at all enjoy film, and want to see 2 well done documentaries see these movies. I don't recommend parents taking their kids to either of these movies because truthfully they are boring. Its like that history class you had in high school. The teacher was boring, but the content was incredible. See these movies if you have the chance, I give them each a...
LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

2010-04-24T14:56:00.001-07:00

Really excited about the movie Oceans. Review to come soon.

Death at a Funeral

2010-04-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

Dear James Marsden,

I have always been a giant fan of yours. Your range for movies is actually really good. From X-Men to Sex Drive, Hairspray, and Enchanted, you have put together quite a resume. However your finest film yet was Death at a Funeral. You easily stole the show, in a cast full of show stealers [Tracy Morgan, Luke Wilson]. I think what did it for you was your smile. It is seriously so big. On the other side of things the whole hallucination joke went on for too long. It's cool though because your character kept the laughs going throughout. Thanks for another great performance and not making this movie as bad as I thought it would be.

Sincerely,
Corny Reviews

Before you say anything about the fact that I actually saw this movie. I ask that you read this review with an open mind. Obviously this from the second the trailer premiered was looked at by most of you as a waste of time. And for some of you it might be [racists], but I have to say I truly enjoyed this movie. Having seen the original British comedy 3 years ago in Santa Cruz, I was pleasantly surprised by this remake. The original couldn't hold on to its laughs or the audience like the Chris Rock produced remake did. The whole premise is that all these family members reunite for a funeral, but when everyone gets together hilarity ensues. Well at least this was the point of the original. The truth is it wasn't that believable. The remake was. Why was it so believable you ask? To tell you truth I don't know but with a long list for a cast including the now old Danny Glover, who delivers one of the best lines of the movie, they all kind of made it work. At about minute 75 into the movie we got point, and for this fact alone I am going to grade it a little bit lower than I should.

This is not the movie you want to show your kids due to the language, but this isn't a movie you should pass up at the old red-box either. For those of you looking to be entertained for 90 minutes this is the perfect movie. You are sure to laugh at James Marsden character, and you will definately laugh at Tracy Morgan throughout. The part I think I appreciate the most about Death at a Funeral is that the funny parts weren't in the trailer. This is something all to common in movies today and I appreciate the fact that I didn't alway know what was coming. Thank you Chris Rock, and Martin Lawrence [easily the most unfunny character of the movie] for entertaining me and my wife on this nice afternoon in Fresno. And for that entertainment and laughs alone, I give this movie a...
MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

The Last Song

2010-04-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul Walker Look-Alike Liam Hemsworth,

You will never look as good as Paul Walker with that perfect wavy hair, and you will never co-star alongside such american heroes as Vin Diesel, but unlike your twin you can actually act. Is it the fact that your brother Chris Hemsworth [who will be THOR in next summers Marvel movie] got you this gig or you actually tried out and made the cut to play Miley Cyrus' love interest. Either way good job, you made this movie a tad bit more enjoyable. To bad the movie couldn't have been better so that your acting career would have started on a high note. Oh well at least your good looking and 1000's of teenage girls already have a half naked poster of you in there bedroom. K Later

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

Look what can you expect from a movie starring Miley Cyrus, Executive produced by Tish Cyrus [Miley's Mom], Produced by Adam Shankman that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, and written by Nicolas Sparks [the sappy author who writes novels that all women love]. You can expect pretty much what you are thinking in your head. Sparks may be a decent author, but writing a movie, and writing a book are 2 separate things. The script for this movie was really really bad. Now lets take the script out of the equation. Lets talk acting. Cyrus, not aweful. Liam Hemsworth, decent needs a few more movies under his belt, Greg Kinnear, Steller performance. The problem with putting a guy like Kinnear in this movie is that he makes everyone else look bad.

Ok so now to the plot. This is a movie that continues to tug on your heart. The movie wants its audience to cry, and to feel sad, but at a certain point you have let up. Do you remember the ending to the 3rd lord of the rings? You kept thinking it was over and then there was one more scene of the hobbits jumping on the bed, then another scene, then another scene. Yeah thats how this movie ended up. If you allow it this movie will rip your heart out. Put it back together, rip your heart out again, put it back together, rip your heart again, but this time you are just pissed off at the movie, and tired of having you heart ripped out. Here's what I say. The movie is certainly not the worst Sparks Adaptation, but this is really a movie to see on DVD.

Its a great movie for a home Date Movie. Besides the occasional bad language and a few shots of Miley Cyrus' cleavage the movie is pretty clean. Great for a family movie night...once its out on DVD of course.

Last thing I didn't like and then I will stop wasting your time. I don't like how movies now a days talk about Divorce so lightly. As if it is what it is. Divorce needs to be portrayed exactly how it is in real life. Not something super healthy and totally normal. It's bogus to me, but hey that Hollywood, huh?

Anyways I give this movie a...

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

How to Train Your Dragon

2010-04-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Pixar,

Watch Out! Dream Works is coming for ya, and honestly they have just made a better film than any of your 9 total. How to train your dragon in my opinion tops the list for animated features. I understand you have the name in your favor, and maybe some really good short films that accompany your movies, but never the less competition is on the rise. Now that the awful Over the Hedge has nearly been forgotten, Dream Works finally has a decent rap sheet. All 3 Shreks, Kung Fu Panda, and now you competitor for best animated feature How to train your Dragon. Although I do throughly enjoy each film you have made, I can honestly say that none pulled on my heart as much as Dragons did. Its sad that great movies like UP make $250 million, but movies that are amazing like Dragons is going to make $150 million. I hope you enjoy being the second best animated movie company, and if your staff disagrees with me, tell them I am sorry, but they should have thought of the idea of Dragon's being friendly in the first place.

Here is my standing from the past 10 years, the next 10 look promising your competitor.

2000-2009

Pixar - 5
Dream Works - 2

2010-2019

Pixar - 0
Dream Works - 1

Sincerely,
Corny Reviews

Alright here is what you need to know. Whoever directed this movie is amazing. The movie was shot near perfectly. Each scene pulled in the audience and didn't let go. I am not a big fan of any animated film out there. Most often they end with an extremely predictable ending, and try to hard to have comedy that the plot gets forgotten. What I liked about Dragons is that it focused completely on the plot, and payed extreme attention to detail. Unlike the TV show Lost, each element of the movie was explained, or known by the end. The audience never had to ask follow up questions from the movie because it was all there.
The voice casting I thought was excellent. Who better to play the Viking son Hiccup, who was a bit of softy, than Undeclared's, Jay Baruchal. The supporting cast was excellent as well. Gerard Butler as the father, and some comedy relief from Jonah Hill, Cloverfield cameraman TJ Miller, and Teeerget girl Kristin Wigg. They all brought the town alive, and really allowed the mostly children audience to experience the fun side to training a dragon.
The 2 things I appreciated the most were, the unconventional ending which I will let you experience for yourself, and the Dragon Training manuel. Imagine the back of Marvel collecting cards. Strength 10, Fire Blast 6, Tail spikes 7, its all there, and the writers went way out of there way to invent multiple different dragons, and have the wonderful McLovin to explain each Dragons strengths and weaknesses throughout the movie.
This movie is not for all kids. I would strongly encourage parents to think about not taking there kid if they are under 6. The movie is very violent for a kids movie, and can cause a lot of anxiety due to the stress level this movie causes you. You child WILL be on the edge of his/her seat all the way up to the ending. It does has a bit of social commentary for parents to pick up on similar to the Obesity issue in Wall-E. The movie is fun, and highly entertaining. Don't pay the extra to see it in 3D, the visuals are not nearly as good as the plot itself. I give this movie an...
EXTRA-LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Much Needed Break.

2010-03-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hello loyal fans. To be honest, I haven't been the best at blogging. In fact I don't even really enjoy writing, or video taping myself all that much. With that being said, I am going to swallow my pride and say I'm SORRY. I have always doubted this blog. I never actually think any one reads it, and you know what maybe people don't. At a wedding last night I was encouraged and given a second wind. I just needed to remember why I set out to do this in the first place.
Balancing my family, school, full time ministry, and and social life is not easy. I set out do this because honestly movies fill my tank. They allow me to spend time with my wife, laugh, and simply be entertained. I wanted to create a blog that tells friends and family what movies to go see and not see. What movies will entertain you or simply be a waste of your time and money. There are plenty of great movie blogs out there, and by all means I am not trying to be the best. I just need a hobby, and I like movies.
If you are looking for a blog that is really going to analyze a movie this may not be the blog for you. I will analyze however the entertainment value of the movie because isn't that why most of you go to see movies anyway...to be entertained. I hope I can add a family element as well. Most families want to know if they can take there kids to see a movie, or if it's an ok movie to see on a date night. I will be addressing this as often as I can and hopefully prevent families from making poor movie decisions.
I hope all my fans [if I have any] realize that their really is intention being this blog, behind attempting to be funny. Money is money and if you are not sure what movie to spend it on, well then I advise you check out this blog. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this blog. I sure hope I am corny enough for you.

Sincerely,
Christian Warne
Corny Reviewer

The Tooth Fairy

2010-01-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

Look I don't have much to say, but those that are interested here you go.

Family movie? What is that. It's seems like every movie that comes out has something questionable about. Movies without foul language, cleavage, unhealthy families or drugs just don't exist anymore. The Tooth Fairy is an exception. Dwayne Johnson plays a bad boy hockey player who had no belief in the tooth fairy. He is sentenced to 3 weeks of being a tooth fairy becuase he tells his girlfriend's (Ashley Judd) daughter the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist. Although it's a hokey movie, with minimal laughs, it promotes healthy relationships, and is good clean fun. This is a rare breed of a movie that the whole family ages 1-Parenthood can enjoy. I give this movie a...

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

The Book of Eli / The Road / Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

2010-01-15T15:47:00.001-08:00

TOP 10 MOVIES / TOP 3 MP3 / TOP BOOK of 2009

2010-01-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

This post may be a little different for all you fans, but as much as I am a fan of movies I just wanted to share with you some of my joys of 2009

I provided you a list of my top 10 favorite movies of 2009

My top 3 favorite music downloads

...and my FAVORITE book of 2009 [maybe ever]

here we go

MP3's of 2009

3. Space Olympics - The Lonely Island [one of the best comedic songs ever, easily trumps i'm an idiot and i'm your boyfriend]

2. Every Morning - Basshunter [good techno is back ladies and gentlemen]

1. Vox Populi - 30 Seconds to Mars [this should have been the theme song for 2012, adam lambert got that vote, so I give this my top song of 2009]

TOP BOOK OF 2009 [MAYBE EVER]

1. OPEN - Andre Agassi [never have I been so enthralled in someones life. This book is so reflective of the title because Andre Agassi really opens up every single detail of his life. Whether you like sports or not this is the best biography probably written in the past 10 years.]

now on to the stuff you care about...

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2009

[disclaimer, these are the movies I liked. So don't judge me]

10. Sugar [Great story about a cuban baseball pitcher who has trouble transferring his skills and culture to AA baseball in America.]

9. The Fast and Furious [Love me or hate me, but this movie was easily the best of the 4, and it gave everything fans wanted.]

8. Drag me to Hell [One of the best horror movies of my generation, thanks Sam Raimi for taking a break from superhero movies with 30 villans to make this incredibly funny yet creepy horror flick]

7. State of Play [You have to like these type of movies about journalism, politics, and scandals. If you don't like that then watch Ben Affleck actually act for once.]

6. I Love You, Man [Slappin' da Bass man. Jason Seagal + Paul Rudd = comedy Gold]

5. Hurt Locker [Watch this movie America. Easily the best movie about the War in Iraq...but not. Should win best picture, and is easily the best movie by a female director. Did I mention she did Point Break. R.I.P. Swayze]

4. 2012 [Sorry if this makes you mad America, but I felt like I was on a roller coaster for 3 hours. Horrible Acting + Best computer graphics of 2009[sorry avatar fans] = One fun thanksgiving thrill ride. Thanks Roland Emmerich I will never stop loving you.]

3. Good Hair [You have no idea how fascinating this documentary is. Chris Rock you are genius for exploring the world of Hair. I don't want to say much, but this documentary will blow you weave right off]

2. Up in the Air [Jason Reitman you are 2 for 3. I loved it. Ryan Bingham is one of a kind, and George Clooney nailed the performance. Major props to the casting director for casting actual unemployed people and recording the response they would have liked to have said to there boss when they got fir[oops]...let go.]

1. Fantastic Mr. Fox [Dont ask me why this is number one. I can only say this is the best childrens book adaptation that appeals to adults. The funny thing is that when this book came out I was 10 maybe. Now the movie appeals directly to the audience that fell in love with the book 10 years ago. If you think I am wrong too bad. Stop Motion + Wes Anderson Script [best since Bottle Rocket] + Clooney + The Smile on my face during the whole movie = Best Movie of 2009 for Christian Warne!

Honorable Mentions:

Moon [Best Sci Fi of the year according to me. Also lots of scripture references]

An Education [Some of the best acting of the year by far]

Funny People [Crude, yet extremely touching.]

500 Days of Summer [Easily one of the funnest movies to watch of 2009]

Pandorum [Second best horror of 2009. Ben Foster you made this movie likable]

Zombieland [Best Cameo of 2009 hands down]

I hope next year is as good as this one!

Christmas Time

2009-12-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

Because its Christmas and people are wondering what to go see I will post an extremely quick review of some movies. I'm Warning you it will be quick.

Armored - Medium Bag of Popcorn - rent it, good action

The Road - Large Bag of Popcorn - good acting, lacked plot

Did you hear about the morgans? - Small bag of popcorn - hugh grant is the only good part

Avatar - Large Bag of Popcorn - if you haven't seen this already then you probably don't read my blog

Me and Orson Welles - Large Bag of Popcorn - great acting, decent plot, Zac efron is a hunk

Up in the Air - Extra Large Bag of Pocorn - so good! the mom from rookie of the year is in it. makes it even better.

Merry Christmas. Spend More on movies and less on your family!

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

The Messenger

2009-12-08T06:49:00.000-08:00

I really should just give up on reviewing movies, and just hire Jonny to do movie reviews. He's the brain and the talent, I just have a lame blog. Oh well here it is.

If you’re like me and sometimes complain about how hard or stressful your job is, it’s always nice when something comes along to refocus your perspective. After seeing director and co-writer Oren Moverman’s beautifully acted new film The Messenger, I not only developed a newfound appreciation for my job, I became better acquainted with some of the most grueling work a human being can be called upon to perform.

The story centers around decorated U.S. Army soldier, Staff Sgt. Montgomery (Ben Foster) and his return to

America

from

Iraq

. He is in rough shape, and adding some challenging adversity to post-traumatic stress disorder, he is assigned to the Casualty Notification program. His mentor and fellow officer, Capt. Stone (Woody Harrelson) is a tricky combination of by-the-book stickler and loose cannon (though the script sometimes seems unsure of this mixture). Montgomery and Stone are the ones delivering news of a fallen soldier’s death to parents, wives, children. There are various rules for the officers charged with this grim duty, among them, “Do not touch the NOK,” as Stone says, meaning the next of kin.

The Messenger is not itself grueling, which is practically a miracle. Rather, this pungent little chamber piece offers a full yet delicate range of emotions, and it humanizes its characters so that polemics are left in the background. It takes place in the present, but the conflict claiming military lives could be any conflict, not just

America

’s involvements in

Iraq

and

Afghanistan

. The movie has little to do, in any respect, with a nerve-racker like The Hurt Locker except this: Both are apolitical without being soft-headed -- and both honor the warrior without lionizing the war. Actually, they share another similarity: they are both among the best movies of the year.

Ben Foster (the best actor you’ve never heard of) plays Montgomery, and he embodies everything the role needs: a plausibly tough war hero, a man struggling to find his place back on American soil, a volatile, combustible soul, a dimensional dramatic creation. Foster can be pretty showy as a performer (his turn in the 3:10 to Yumaremake was both impressive and road-hoggy), but he’s lower-key and spot-on here. With Harrelson’s performance as Stone, we can now safely say that he has always been a valuable and versatile presence, even in junk, right from the beginning of his screen career. He seems visibly relieved to be working on a strong, honest script. Like Foster, he can be accused of outsize effects, but in The Messenger he’s solid as a rock and very moving. Samantha Morton is warm and true as Olivia, the widow who wonders if this unsteady young man, Stone, is out to “take advantage of (her) grief.” The relationship has a connect-the-dots air, but the details, the interactions, go a long way toward fleshing things out.

Moverman and cinematographer Bobby Bukowski shoot the movie like a ’70s artifact, with slow zooms and an unforced feeling of ambience. The results make up for any number of other, lesser, clunkier movies relating to the war in

Iraq

. Then again, The Messenger is worth seeking out for the simple reason that it’s not Iraq-specific. Rather, it’s quietly universal. It’s a moving and powerful film that should garner plenty of critical acclaim. I give this movie an...

XTRA-LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Everybody's Fine

2009-12-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

The Blind Fantastic Mr. Education

2009-12-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

TRIPLE THREAT COMIN AT CHA!

Precious

2009-11-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

If you were able to sift through the hoards of Twi-hards at the theater this past weekend, you may have noticed that a better, less ridiculous film also opened. There really aren't a lot of parallels between the two: one will undoubtedly garner plenty of Oscar buzz, one certainly will not; one features strong performances, the other certainly does not; one tries to engage the audience to emotionally connect with a serious problem, one desperately tries to appeal to the 14-year-old girl inside all of us. The film I’m referring to was also co-executive produced by Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey. Now, usually the words “Tyler,” “Perry” and “presents” are enough to make me stay away forever, but due to the critical praise and powerful trailer, I decided to give the film a shot.

Despite its laughably pretentious title, Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire is one of the most harrowing films of the year, with one of the most monstrous villains in recent memory (right up there with Anton Chigurh and The Joker). Yet it earns both a levity and a hope that somehow never feels out of place, an almost impossible balancing act to pull off. It is an indomitable movie about an indomitable human spirit.

Set in Harlem in 1987, the film is the story of Claireece “Precious” Jones (Gabourey Sidibe), an obese 16-year-old African-American girl who is pregnant for the second time by her own father. Now that her father has abandoned the family, Precious waits hand and foot on her welfare-queen mother (Mo’Nique), a venomously wrathful woman who sees her innocent daughter as the usurper of her grotesque husband’s affections and in retaliation, brutally abuses her daughter emotionally and physically.

Not exactly the feel good movie of the year, eh? You might be surprised. This holiday release, weighted down with issues of incest, physical and emotional abuse, and AIDS is permeated with a surprising lightheartedness, striking a good balance between heaven and hell. While much of this comes from situational comedy -- especially Precious’ colorful new family composed of her equally imperiled classmates -- the majority is found in first-time director Lee Daniels’ visual style. In the midst of her most heinous assaults, Precious’ mind leaves her body, retreating to a safe and imaginary place where she is a paparazzi-plagued celebrity, a music diva, a model with boy toys, basically anyone than who she really is. These almost Amèlie-esque moments, like the film itself, are both amusing and heartbreaking -- as when Precious looks into the mirror and sees a beautiful, skinny white girl looking back -- and give us some clue into how Precious has survived a life of which most of us are incapable of conceiving.

A lot has been said about the performances. As I alluded to earlier, Mo’Nique was absolutely transformative. In fact, she should be given the Best Supporting Actress Oscar right now. Her portrayal as Precious’ abomination of a mother is simply colossal. You won’t see a better performance this year. The lead performance by Gabourey Sidibe, meanwhile, is -- well, problematic. The large, slow-moving first-time actress is not particularly expressive. Even more cruelly, the lighting (which is usually balanced for the far lighter-skinned Patton and Carey) throws Sidibe’s features into shadow, making her even less present. Then there’s the story itself (which contains all the subtlety of a sledgehammer). I won’t spoil it here, but there are some minor plot points that don’t need to be in there. It’s almost as if Daniels and company didn’t trust that the story they were telling would be memorable on its own merits -- they had to pile on even more downtrodden obstacles for Precious to overcome. Doing so makes one question the validity of the story, which is never a good thing.

That being said Precious is so traumatic that you shouldn’t be surprised if your emotions are too battered even to produce tears. The act of weeping may simply prove to be too much for your shell-shocked system to handle. And yet, this vibrantly honest and resoundingly hopeful film might just, against all odds, see you off with a smile and a glowing heart -- and for that, the film should be commended. I give this movie a...
Large Bag of Popcorn

New MOON

2009-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

2012

2009-11-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

This is IT

2009-11-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

Good Hair

2009-10-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

A Serious Man

2009-10-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

Another wonderful review by Jonny! Enjoy and please comment below!

The Book of Job has always been a disturbing and controversial presence within Scripture for devout believers and curious bystanders alike. In it, Job is a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil. God allows Satan to do whatever he wants to his servant Job, showing Satan that he will never lose faith or curse his creator. Satan then begins to decimate Job’s family and fortune, utterly wiping out everything the man ever held dear. All the while Job never once lost faith in God. Job was never far from Joel and Ethan Coen’s minds when they set out to make A Serious Man, essentially a modern retelling of the Book of Job and, by extension, an examination of humankind’s relationship to omnipotence.

Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg) lives on a featureless suburban street in Minneapolis, in the sort of featureless suburban house that has almost given rise to its own genre of films about soul-eating disenfranchisement and middle-class mediocrity. But this is not one of those films. Larry lives his featureless life in his featureless house on his featureless street with his wife and two teenaged children. The year is 1967, and Larry, a physics professor on track for tenure and an upstanding member of the local Jewish community, is trying very hard, in his bland sort of way, to be a good man and to lead a righteous life. But like the radical 60s counter-culture that is just beginning to turn his quiet little neighborhood all topsy-turvy, everything in Larry's life is about to go to hell.

Larry has always considered himself an upstanding man; therefore he is shell-shocked by the ambush of bad fortune he encounters in this film and sinks into a spiritual crisis. What does God want from him? How did he offend God? Why, if he did right, is he being punished? And how can he make it right? Larry, very much a believer in the axiom "actions have consequences," struggles to comprehend what actions of his might have turned God against him. But the harder he looks for answers, the more his troubles are amplified.

Beleaguered and desperate for clues to his situation, Larry turns to his rabbis for advice, but they comprehend the situation and God's hand in it no better than he. All they can offer is sanctimonious platitudes and ineffectual parables. "You have to see these things as expressions of God's will," one spiritual advisor tells him. "You don't have to like it." Larry is told that his questions are imprudent, that his problems aren't significant and that to see God's will, he must get a new perspective. "Everything that I thought was one way turns out to be the opposite," he cries out to a friend who responds: "Then it's an opportunity to learn how things really are." The one person Larry does not ask is God himself. Unlike Job who demanded answers from his omnipotent tormentor, Larry never calls out. Perhaps he is afraid of what the answer might be. Perhaps he cannot fathom the silence that might greet him in return. Perhaps that is why this film ends very differently than the biblical text of Job.

A Serious Man is an exquisitely, perhaps even flawlessly, realized piece of original art. If one were to say that the Coens have stopped evolving as filmmakers, it is only because one cannot improve upon perfection. Their technical mastery is above reproach. Their longtime collaborators, cinematographer Roger Deakins and composer Carter Burwell, turn in masterful contributions. The script, written by the brothers (who, as usual, also took on the editing duties under the name Roderick Jaynes), is lyrical, dense, darkly comical and wickedly perverse. The cast, drawn almost exclusively from the stage rather than the screen, are nearly all unknowns. Michael Stuhlbarg, a distinguished Broadway star, is impeccable as Larry Gopnick, as is every other cast member right down the line; many of them surely chosen for their resemblance to the sorts of grotesque caricatures found in Fellini films.

The Coen brothers have always populated their films with characters unable to catch a break, or who find themselves suddenly and often inexplicably cut down. In the past, we’ve been able to chalk this up to rampaging mobsters, homicidal psychopaths or even nihilism itself. But never have the filmmakers pushed God (or the absence of God) in front of the camera like this. They give their audience only two options: either God doesn’t exist and we’re wasting our lives trying to please him in a world ruled by randomness, or he exists and he is a vindictive monster out to annihilate us. Correction: not vindictive. Vindictiveness implies causality, which this film never infers. Here God (if it is God) scorches the earth for reasons far more inscrutable than the cryptic proofs Larry scribbles onto his titanic blackboards. In A Serious Man, the role of Anton Chigurh, the rampaging, relentless, unstoppable, murderous maniac in the Coens’ No Country For Old Men (a brilliant film) is played by none other than God himself. Not since Woody Allen have American filmmakers so brazenly tackled the subject of God as an absentee landlord. "No God" or "evil God" -- there isn't much of a difference from Larry's perspective.

The problem for a man like Larry, who sees the world in theorems and proofs, is that life cannot be summed in an equation. Larry might insist all he wants is that "actions have consequences" when, in fact, it appears more that sometimes consequences arise without the genesis of actions. He may try to unravel mysteries like Schrödinger's Paradox and the Heisenberg Principle -- multifarious and cryptic algorithms which mean, more or less, "God only knows." But when God isn't talking, Larry's line at one point to his class takes on an ominous dimension: "Even if you can't figure it out, you're still responsible for it on the midterm."

Once again, the Coens' nihilism rears its ugly head, though adorned this time with an epistemological crown. If there is a God -- vindictive or not -- then life is certainly not meaningless, even if it is no less enigmatic and terrifying. For those who would claim that human inconsequentiality cannot question much less fathom the omnipotence of God (as God himself tells Job) and that we should, therefore, simply accept both the bounty and the hardship with equal gratitude, they must have missed the commentary embedded in the final, unfathomable, shocking moments of the film. Because, in the end, who cares? The result is the same. Plead with heaven all you like -- no meaningful answer will be forthcoming. And if you do get a response, chances are you won't like it. So if you're a Coen and life is almost certainly absurd and very nearly meaningless, you might as well learn to find the comedy in even the most barbaric of situations.

The Coens have always invited us to laugh at others' misfortune. Now, perhaps, we are invited to laugh at our own, prescribed in a mathematical formula of another kind: tragedy + time = comedy. I give this movie an...
XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Where The Wild Things Are.

2009-10-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry FANS

2009-10-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

The Cove Trailer

2009-08-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

for those of you interested here is a trailer for the review below...

The Cove

2009-08-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

review by Jonny

If The Cove were a fiction film, it would be derided as far-fetched, contrived, even hard to swallow. The fact that it's nonfiction doesn't make it any easier to believe -- if only because the footage is so horrifying, the facts so disturbing. It's not that you can't believe it, but that you don't want to -- and that’s what makes The Cove not only the best film of 2009 thus far, but one of the best documentaries I've ever seen, period. It's not just that these filmmakers expose vicious, inhumane and ecologically dangerous practices, apparently sanctioned and covered up by the Japanese government and its media, but the filmmakers have done it while risking their freedom -- even their lives -- for the cause. The result is the year's most exciting film -- as well as a documentary that can't help but leave you upset and outraged.

The film is directed by photographer Louis Psihoyos, a magazine photographer and documentarian whose head was turned around when he met dolphin activist Ric O'Barry. Once one of the leading dolphin trainers in the world -- his final job being TV's "Flipper" -- O'Barry flipped to the other side when he realized how miserable (he would say suicidal) the captive dolphins were. He became a vigilante about freeing dolphins that were part of marine-park dolphin shows (hello, Seaworld?) and swim-with-the-dolphins parks. O'Barry, in turn, told Psihoyos about Taiji,

Japan

, which is secretly the world's largest unofficial abattoir -- slaughterhouse, in other words -- for dolphins. Though the Japanese government protects the locals who undertake this barbaric practice, O'Barry knew that this one place accounted for the senseless killing of tens of thousands of dolphins each year.

Essentially, each year, as dolphins' migratory pattern takes them past Taiji, fisherman herd the dolphins into an inlet, which they then wall off with netting. The most desirable of the dolphins -- the bottlenoses that resemble Flipper -- are captured and sold to marine parks, aquariums and dolphinariums around the world. The rest are herded into a cove and slaughtered for meat -- despite the fact that they contain a high level of mercury.

But the government helps keep this practice secret by preventing anyone from witnessing this. While you can watch from land as the best dolphins are picked out of the first culling, the cove itself where the slaughter takes place is hidden by hills -- and the national park of which it is part is guarded and patrolled. Anyone caught trying to see what's really going on is arrested.

So Psihoyos recruited a mixed bag of specialists/commandos to make his own video assault on the cove. And that's the story of The Cove -- how, against the odds, these filmmakers captured on high-def video horrifying footage that the Japanese government does not want you to see.

At the same time, Psihoyos uses the film to clearly examine the politics of the International Whaling Commission, a seeming regulatory agency for the slaughter of cetaceans (of which both whales and dolphins are examples) that serves as an ineffective puppet for

Japan

and other whaling nations. He lays out the strings

Japan

pulls to get countries that have no fishing industry to vote their way through large infusions of cash.

In writing about this film, it's hard not to simply go off on a rant about

Japan

, which is not just the enabler but the muscle behind the efforts to keep this program secret. Psihoyos points out the sordid history of Minamata, the town where a powerful Japanese corporation, Chisso, routinely dumped mercury into the local waters, which accumulated in local seafood, poisoning the locals and leading to thousands of deaths and children born with deformities. The government fought efforts to publicize the problem, then to hold Chisso to account, for years, until the international outcry was too great.

The Cove is guerrilla journalism at its best. Structured and paced by director Louie Psihoyos as a thriller/caper movie, it brings audience-grabbing cinematic conventions to work in telling its story of dolphin genocide. It's a movie that should be seen by everyone, right now. It’s so well done that it plays like one of the better spy capers I’ve seen in recent memory. Indeed, this film could launch a new sensibility for environmental documentaries. This is no dry PowerPoint lecture or sentimental tree-huggery. It's an adventure with a charismatic and soulful cast, topnotch production values and the canny storytelling of a riveting drama. I give this movie an...

TRIPLE EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

District 9

2009-08-17T10:06:00.001-07:00

There are so many praiseworthy things about District 9 (its originality, the thoughtful, allegorical nature of the script, the fact that it's writer/director Neil Blomkamp's first feature, how far he and his crew made their relatively meager $24 million budget stretch) that it's hard to be too critical of it. Some movies pack such a terrific central idea, even their flaws can't stop the train. District 9 is -- almost -- one of them. In its first half it barrels along with the velocity and assurance of a new classic; then it settles for being a good, splattery addition to the venerable aliens-come-calling genre -- and it feels like a slight letdown.

Right from the get-go the film does a terrific job of dropping you into the action while simultaneously building the back story with clips of mock TV news footage (credit should definitely be given to cinematographer Trent Opaloch, who, using a palette of washed-out greys and browns, lent a great gritty realism to the film -- so real, that I found myself thinking "This is exactly how something like this would happen"). As things unfold, the real problems arise. The pace becomes unvarying as opposed to exhilarating. As the film focuses increasingly on the plight of an alien father and son who hold the key to their species' survival, the movie tips into more conventional and even sentimental territory. The film goes from being a penetrating, thoughtful Sci-Fi film that harkens back to classics such as The Day The Earth Stood Still, to just another action movie -- and that's a real shame, because it could have, and should have been way more than that.

As a Sci-Fi film, District 9 instantly takes its place as one of the best additions to the genre in years; however, it had potential to transcend the label of “genre film” but unfortunately, it rests on its laurels a little too much. This film, by all accounts and measures, should resonant deeply, but it's just this kind of underlying resonance that is missing from District 9, a film of stunning visual imagination that never quite succeeds in tapping its vast metaphoric potential. I give this movie a...

Large Bag of Popcorn

Time Travelers Wife

2009-08-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

May I make a quick note. As I was buying a ticket for this movie a man probably in his 50's was buying a ticket. He walked up to the front of the line and said "May I have one ticket to Time Travel." I just thought that was funny.

Dear Ron Livingston,

I really like you. I feel like after watching Band of Brothers…finally, I have developed a bit of a man crush on you. You’re role in the Time Travelers Wife was small, but never the less very important in my eyes. I hope that one day you give up that sidekick gig and go back to your office space roots, and be a leading man once more. Your fans need you, I need you, Corny Reviews needs you.

I will not be as harsh as I was on Bandslam because I enjoyed parts of the Time Travelers wife. Eric Bana is basically this guy that travels through time at any moment and when he arrives in those different time slots he is naked, and some how meets up with Rachel McAdams most of the time. He says that big events pull him in so after so many times seeing Rachel McAdams he ends up doing the only thing logical marrying her. It seems weird to me too? This movie was truthfully confusing. It jumped time slots a lot, and a few slots were so irrelevant to the movie it made it at times frustrating to watch. Lets put it this way if you’ve seen the Lake House; you have pretty much seen this movie. Also for a PG-13 it had language pretty much throughout the movie, so in terms of bringing the family...maybe not. Now the Time Travelers wife isn’t awful either. Ron Livingston is great as Eric Bana’s friend, and it does serve its purpose for a romance movie, and it caused my wife to cry. I usually would cry during these kinds of movies, but for some reason not this one. So if you can make my wife cry, but not me that means you didn’t fully do your job as a director. So I give this movie a…

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

Bandslam

2009-08-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Friday Night Lights Actors,

Stop acting in movies. Just because you all of sudden get famous because you are on some cult hit TV show doesn’t mean you can go and make crap movies like Bandslam, and Post Grad. To be fair Jason Street you were decent in Speed Racer, but come on Bandslam? You and Matthew Serecen need more acting under your belt before you can go and be in movies. I did not like your character in Bandslam, and you really are a bad actor in general. Please stop because I actually really love Friday Night Lights.

Sincerely Yours,

Corny Reviews, and Taylor Allen.

I actually wanted to like Bandslam. I really did, but it just didn’t do it for me the way other teen movies usually do. This movie tried to hard. That is the bottom line. Most teen movies are usually bad, and you can kind of expect that, and then you end up enjoying it just because it was fun. Bandslam was far from fun. Besides the awful sound issues in the movie theatre, the movie changed paces so many times it was hard to follow. Each time the director wanted you to be emotionally upset, or sad the scene following would attempt a joke that no one laughed at. I thought the only good part of this movie was…scratch that there was no good parts to this movie. For crying out loud this movie used MySpace to promote their band, and MySpace is seriously out. It felt out dated, and not fun. I wish I would have seen another movie, but the 15 jr. highers I took to it seemed to enjoy it, so I guess it was worth it. Seacrest Out! I give this movie an…

EXTRA-SMALL BAG OF POPCORN.

Julie & Julia

2009-08-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Julie & Julia is just one of those movies that you should see. Whether or not you like the movie, its just something that if you don’t see it now, I guarantee you later in your life someone will say;

“remember, like in Julie & Julia”

and then you will say…

“I haven’t seen that movie.”

and then they will say…

“oh well you have to watch it.”

If you take my advice then you won’t have to go through this later in your life. So basically I am doing you a favor. Trust me, this has happened to me with You've Got Mail.

Nora Ephron the director created a movie that was nearly perfect for her audience. It was different from here previous [sleepless in Seattle, you’ve got mail] in that this really wasn’t a human love story; rather it was about love for food. Julie Powell is nearly obsessed with Julia Childs who wrote a famous cookbook about cooking French food in America. She starts a 365-day blog that follows Julie as she cooks her way through the cookbook. Along the way she faces trials, and has one to many meltdowns. We see the back-story of this book and how it came to be with Julia Childs. I almost feel like I have to review this movie in 2 parts. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the real Julia Childs played by Meryl Streep. Her on screen chemistry with Stanley Tucci was in my mind beautiful. Their LOVE for not only each other but for food as well is something rare that you don’t see on screen these days. Stanley Tucci deserves major credit for probably one of his best performances yet. Watch out for him in Peter Jackson’s new movie called the Lovely Bones, where he plays a killer. Meryl Streep was great as usual, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets nominated for an academy award.

On the other hand I didn’t really like Amy Adams portrayal as the nearly 30 government working blogger Julie Powell. Is it just me, or does Amy Adams always look like she is crying. She is a complete pessimist, and it just rubbed me the wrong way at times. She was so uptight, and really did sacrifice everything for this “deranged project.” Her husband Eric played by Chris Messina [Vicky Christina Barcelona] was really what made Amy shine at times. He loved her enough to stick around while she grew more and more uptight. As a whole I really only like the Julia Childs part. Their was so much passion into her character and one truly amazing scene when she receives a letter from her sister. I give Julia Childs side of the movie an…

EXTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN, but as a whole I have to give this movie a…

LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

G.I. JOE [Rise of the Cobra]

2009-08-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Hasbro,

Really you need to go and make another movie based on Toys that used to be popular even before I was born. That’s fine as long as you get really good Actors. Ok wait, as long as you use really cool special effects. Uhh-well maybe if you just have a good story. If you can’t do that, they just make a movie that is purely fun, making the audience from the start lower its expectations almost immediately. If you can do that you have a successful summer blockbuster…and that is exactly what you did, so thank you!

As I pulled up to the theatre I thought to myself why am I seeing this, especially at midnight, as I drove away I wasn’t exactly going off about how awesome the movie was, but I wasn’t going off about how bad it was either. This film is exactly what it was always intended to be. Its exactly like the cartoons from many years ago. Corny, bad acting, terrible special effects, and a mediocre storyline [a double crosser wants to take over the world with basically those little bugs from the mummy. They eat metal, and sell movie tickets]. Some of the redeeming qualities were the 2 cameos from previous Stephen Summer movie characters, such as the THE MUMMY. It even features the back-stories of a few characters in the movie, which was surprisingly cool. I am really going to make the call of whether or not you should see this movie totally and completely up to you the viewers. I thought this movie was a fun little action adventure, and nothing more. Marlyn Wayans actually provided in that fun a little bit of humor. If you are a Lost fan keep your eye out for some new, and old faces in G.I. Joe. And now you know what I thought of this movie…and knowing is half the battle. I give this movie a…

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

Funny People

2009-08-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Jonny is such a better reviewer than me, oh well thats why I hired him to make me look good.

Funny People, the latest offering from the reigning King of Comedy, Judd Apatow, feels like an attempt to graft the writer/director/producer's patented brand of semi-raunchy character comedy of latent male adolescence on to the template of a certain kind of studio film rarely made today -- think 1980s Oscar bait, like Terms of Endearment, The Accidental Tourist or even Beaches: the gently melancholic dramedy in which someone in early middle age is suddenly forced to reconcile their lives. This unlikely hybrid serves as the vehicle for a meta-epic work of autobiography that pays tribute to one of the writer/director's oldest friends/collaborators, diverges into a love letter to his wife, contrives to get the wife and the friend in bed together, and then drags in Eric Bana to get them out. All the while, Seth Rogen is milling about, mostly as a surrogate for the filmmaker, until he suddenly switches over and starts speaking for the audience -- during the film's draggiest stretch, he is very vocal about not wanting to be there.

If this sounds bizarre, it is. What's more bizarre is that this mix of personal project-as-product sort of succeeds -- at least intermittently. Though not formally bifurcated, Funny People practically plays out in two sections (another 80s flashback: it feels like the kind of film that used to come packaged on two VHS tapes). It peaks emotionally at about three-quarters of the way into the first section and then rapidly devolves from there into a domestic sitcom that can only resolve itself in a "girls may come and go, but bromance is forever" fade out. By the time that statement arrives in the 146th minute, it's almost redundant. Very litle attempt has been made to veil the correspondence between Funny People's narrative beats and Judd Apatow's actual life history. Laura is played by Apatow's real-life wife Leslie Mann, whose actual pre-motherhood career is sampled here as Laura's "acting reel," and whose real-life daughters make their second appearance afterKnocked Up as her daughters on screen. After George and Laura share what is -- as far as I remember -- the first genuinely tear-jerking scene in Apatow's canon (involving what is certainly one of the most human-esque acting work Sandler has ever committed to screen), the film takes an even more abrupt shift: breaking out of George's house, jumping ship from what seemed like its reason to exist, and suddenly becoming an adultery farce. Funny People feels like two films stitched together, in a manner reminiscent of a messy epic likeReds. The second half of Apatow's film -- like the back end relegated to the second VHS tape of Warren Beatty's -- couldn't exist without the first half, but it carries on with a completely new set of stakes, a completely separate emotional arc.

Though Funny People is the first Apatow film to not be shot like a comic strip, the director has not, in his previous directorial efforts, been all that shy about his evident desire to push beyond the generally accepted boundaries of the modern "dudecom" genre. Funny People is a much more ambitious film than The 40 Year-old Virgin or Knocked Up, and a far less audience-friendly one. Though gently funny throughout, there is no comic set piece here on the order of the mushrooms scene in Knocked Up. There's nothing as quotable as the "bags of sand" bit from Virgin. None of the characters seem as destined for viral iconhood as McLovin. It's hard to imagine this film pleasing an audience drawn in by its stars -- one man's catharsis is rarely another's invitation to escape.

I have nothing but respect for Apatow's ambition. What I struggle with are his instincts as a director, which, from an artistic standpoint, tend to be bad. If there's no one telling him he can't make a 146 minute Adam Sandler film, it’s not surprising that there’s no one dissuading his natural proclivity to get crazy indulgent with the montages. In this film, that tendency teeters on (but unfortunately, doesn't cross) the line of self-parody with a Dying Man Finally Learns How To Live sequence, set to a cover of the posthumous Beatles tune "Real Love," sung on camera by a guitar-strumming Sandler. Like the song, you’ll find nothing real, love or otherwise. And this is the central problem with Funny People: Apatow has taken blisteringly personal material and filtered it through tropes and cliches borrowed from trite, mainstream factory-line cinema of another era. Judd Apatow, the writer, deserves a better director. I give this movie a...
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The Great Buck Howard [DVD]

2009-08-05T07:05:00.001-07:00

Recently I received the movie The Great Buck Howard in my mailbox. I was unsure about it because Colin Hanks [Buck Howards assistant] has had a few flops lately [the house bunny, untraceable], but I decided to give it a try. It’s a story about Buck Howard who is one cooko mentalist that is living in the past when he was on the tonight show with Johnny Carson 61 times. This movie follows John Malkovich [Buck Howard] as he strives to still be in the spotlight, and do something amazing. As my wife and I continued watching this movie I found the charm not only in this movie, but in the characters as well. They truly believed in what they do no matter how many people want them to give it up. Buck Howard was looking for just one more appearance on the Tonight Show, and his assistant wanted anything but Law School. As both these characters reach their crossroads you begin to fall in love with this movie. It is a quick watch with minimal laugh, but lots of charm. I give this movie a…

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(500) Days of Summer

2009-08-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Marc Webb,

I thought you did a beautiful job with this movie. Coming from directing only a 3 doors down, and a Jesse McCartney music video I give you major probs. I must say that you have tremendous amount of go nads to do half the stuff you did in your movie. It was almost like you didn’t care if the audience didn’t like the unique storyline, or the excessive use of the color blue, you were going to do it anyways. In my opinion you made an incredible movie, and I knew it was incredible when Joseph Gordon-Levitt was walking down the street to a song and dance of “you make my dreams come true.” The very thought of doing something like this scene makes me love your no holds barred filmmaking, and I cannot wait for your next movie.

Does this directorial debut have flaws? Yes! Is it totally worth seeing? Absolutely! (500) Days of Summer clearly states that this movie is not a love story, and if you walk in with those expectations you will severely be disappointed. It’s a story about love that the average male, and female can relate to. There are no good guys or bad girls in this movie, just 2 people with very different views on LOVE. As you watch this movie you have to appreciate the directors unique style. He puts together a movie with so much guts, that you at least have to love it for that. If you don’t understand what I mean watch the movie and compare to any other movie you have seen in the last year…it’s just different. I am all about different, and that’s why I give this movie an…

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The Ugly Truth

2009-07-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Katherine Heigl,

I personally believe your career is over. You hit huge success after Knocked Up, and Grey's Anatomy, and now look at you. Making sappy vulgar romantic comedies, and without a day job for the fall. If I can be honest with you, the best thing you ever did was the WB cult favorite, and Corny Reviews favorite ROSWELL. I will never hate you because you were in Roswell, but you need to find a different gig.

I have debated writing this review for a while now. Honestly this movie isn’t worth my time, and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it for a while. I never really laughed during it, and the Ugly Truth is it’s a really vulgar movie. Gerald Butler can’t act…still. I don’t care what you say 300 fans this guys honestly stinks. P.S. I love you was a complete waste of time. I want my fans to know that if you are looking for a romantic comedy this weekend, the Ugly Truth is not the way to go. I give this movie an…

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My Apologies Jonny and Fans

2009-07-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

I for some reason had a block on the comments sections. That is no longer an issue. Anyone can comment, and I truly am sorry to Corny Reviews Fans.

"Apologies Johnny" - Undershade

The Hurt Locker

2009-07-26T19:44:00.001-07:00

The Second Review from the wonderful Jonny. Let him know your thoughts if you have any.

The Hurt Locker

After six years of mediocre, Oscar-trolling prestige films that failed to impress audiences or critics (Rendition, In The Valley of Elah, Lions for Lambs, etc.) the first true masterpiece of the Iraq War sub-genre has finally arrived. The Hurt Locker is filled with tense scene after tense scene, including multiple IED-diffusing scenarios -- when we know an onlooking insurgent could press the button at any moment -- and a desert shoot-out sequence that goes on for what seems like hours. But the film is as heartbreaking as it is nerve-wracking, especially in an epilogue sequence that recalls the "I'm an average nobody" scene at the end of Goodfellas. "War is a drug," the film tells us in an opening title, and takes that almost literally. What makes this film truly great is that it's most interested in telling us an honest story about these soldiers and this war, without servicing any type of political agenda. The film, refreshingly, is politics-free, and isn't aimed at provoking a reaction one way or another about the political ramifications of the war. The soldiers aren't depicted as soulless killing machines, as tools of a corrupt government or as pure saints. They're honest, flesh-and-bloode human beings (what a concept!). For this we can largely thank the script and the actors, especially Jeremy Renner, who deserves every acting accolade in the world. Kathryn Bigelow has always had a great eye for action, but with The Hurt Locker, she not only has made her masterpiece, she has set a new standard for which every modern day war movie should be judged against. I give this movie a...

TRIPLE XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Harry Potter

2009-07-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am not going to review this movie because whether it was good or bad you are still going to see it. Plus I am just not that big of a fan of these movies. I'm sorry to say, but ew.com is the best place for this review.

Review to come:

The Hurt Locker

500 Days of Summer

The Ugly Truth

Thanks be being awesome fans.

G-Force

2009-07-24T22:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Jerry Bruckheimer,

Personally I am not the biggest fan of your work. I really never liked the pirate’s movies, and who can forget the glorious Kangaroo Jack starring none other than the hilarious Anthony Anderson. The only exception to your producing is Bad Boys I and II. G-Force was no exception to your portfolio. And may I ask why sign on to this movie in the first place. It feels like Night at the museum all over again. 30 well known actor all together in one pretty crappy movie. You just took the rising careers of Zach Galifinakis, and Sam Rockwell, and completely lost them momentum. In your defense the 3-D was pretty cool, and the action in the midst of guinea pigs talking was well done, but other than that the only redeeming thing about this movie was well the Alice in Wonderland Trailer in 3-D. I’m sorry Jerry but when you make Tracy Morgan NOT Funny you have done something wrong.

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

Ok ok this movie is pretty bad. You don’t walk away hating your life, but really its not worth the price of a movie ticket. I truly believe they made this movie after the success of the gerbil in Bedtimes Stories. Disney said, “what else could we do with these things”, and out popped G-Force. I laughed 1 time during the whole movie, and every heartfelt moment I just got angry because it was Guinea Pigs talking. If you are looking for a clean family fun movie, this is definitely a hit, but seriously a movie about Special Agents that are Guinea Pigs is a bit redonkulous. But if you do see it you might have the same reaction I had when I left the theatre. “Ehh it was ok.” Great Job Disney you have found yet another way to eat peoples money with complete family fun garbage. I give this movie a…

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

...about my previous post

2009-07-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

fans you need to know that I can't give away much details about the movie Moon. You need to go to this movie without knowing very much about it. It makes the twists, and story that much better. So you can thank me for my review later. I promise though, their are no ALIENS in this movie.

MOON

2009-07-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while, but if I don’t see a movie on opening weekend, then there really is no point in writing a review because by that point everyone has seen it. I am deeply sorry for the trouble I may have caused you when picking a movie.

Dear Sci-Fi Fans across the world,

Seriously if you haven’t seen this movie go NOW. It will blow your head off visually, and it has a great sci-fi story to it. Sam Rockwell gives one of the best performances I honestly have ever scene. I love movies like Gatika, and Equillibrium, and even the first Matrix because they are new ideas that are fresh to the big screen. When the moon trailer hit www.themoviebox.net/trailers, I about freaked out. I don’t know why but there hasn’t been a good Sci-Fi movie in a long time, plus it was starring Guy from the glorious Galaxy Quest. I knew that I had to see it. Then I found out it was shot in 33 days during the writers strike by a director named Duncan Jones. Who is Duncan Jones you ask, well that is David Bowie’s son, which is weird, and has no relevance to the movie what so ever. He hired the out of work visual effects guys from various different studios to make such a beautiful work of art. I can’t give away much detail, but this is one of the best movies of the year hands down, and one of the better Sci-Fi movies in a long. Moon will go down in the history of movie making as one of the best directorial debuts ever. Seriously Sci-Fi fans if you miss this, you are missing a gem in filmmaking.

This movie is only playing for a week in Fresno, and is also playing in Santa Cruz. If you are at all interested in Sci-Fi, or like the movie Gatika when you were in Jr. High then check this one out. There is a lot of F-Bombs, but if that doesn’t bother you then see this movie. I have a deep love for movies as unique as this. It is a fresh alternative from major Blockbuster hits like Transformers, and Wolverine. If you have the choice of a rated R movie this weekend Moon should definitely be your choice instead of Bruno. Seriously though 18+ for this one, there is quite a few F-Bombs. If you do end up seeing it this weekend let me know your thoughts. I give this movie an…

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The Proposal

2009-06-24T06:50:00.001-07:00

If these reviews are not helpful to you please let me know, I always need feedback for my website. Anyways here’s your review.

Dear Mr. Reynolds

Ryan you are so cool. I am slowly becoming a HUGE fan of yours. From Adventureland to Wolverine, and now this you have an incredible range of acting, and yet you are able to throw a little piece of yourself in every role. Not that I actually know who you are, but it just seems that way. Here’s what I like about you. You’re witty, sarcastic, attractive, and extremely fit. In fact word on the street is you just ran a marathon. Congrats my friend, but seriously I am developing a serious man crush that can be denied no longer. Ok before I really review this movie I’ve got one bone to pick with you. How is Deadpool any different of a character than the one you played in Blade: Trinity. At least acknowledge the fact that because of Blade: Trinity you took the role of DeadPool in Wolverine because it is the EXACT same character. The End.

Seriously this was in my opinion Ryan Reynolds best role since Smokin Aces. Him and Sandra Bullock had chemistry that was definitely, maybe unique to the genre of ROM COMS. Although you think the ending is totally predictable its really not. We see the director throw some twists at the audience, and it makes for one interesting romantic comedy. Now as far as the comedy goes, if sarcasm and extremely witty humor is your thing, this might be the perfect Date movie, but if its not, then you will be extremely disappointed. Its humor is so subtle throughout that its hard to say that I laughed a whole lot. Instead because of the sarcasm, I always had a big smile on my face. You will Cry at least once, and throw up your fist in anger at least twice. I recommend this movie to all couple of pretty much ages 13 and up. It has a few inappropriate scenes, and some language here and their, but its fairly appropriate. See it with your bride for sure. I give this gem of a Romantic Comedy a…

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The Taking of Pelham 123

2009-06-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

My Sincere Apologies all my fans. It has been to long. Recently I have seen a few movies at the $3 dollar theatre, and due to the busyness of work I have been unable to attend the Main theatre during the weekend when a movie comes out. I do apologize and I understand that I may have lost your respect, but I hope to gain it back in the coming weeks with reviews for Year One, The Proposal, and Transformers. In case you are uninterested in watching any of those 3 movies, I do have an alternative, and here is goes…

The Taking of Pelham 123

Dear Denzel,

I heart you. You really know how to make a movie freaking intense. I am not going to go as far as to say this was better than Remember the Titans, or the Oscar winning Training Day, but you played an extremely calm and collected guy with such poise in Pelham that it was hard not to like your character. Thank you for making John Travolta look bad because lets be honest the only thing he has done right in the last 10 years is dress up like a girl in Hairspray. He also did Wild Hogs, which was obviously one WILD RIDE. Any who thanks Denzel, for always pleasing your fans, and for keeping your cool when times are stressful. More people need to look to you in this economy Denzel, they might learn a thing or two about staying calm.

Is Pelham 123 the most amazing movie ever, No. Are their lots of plot holes, yes. Is it a fun movie that has you one the edge of your seat the whole time? Absolutely. I think John Travolta was poor casting, but the average age group going to see this movie is going to love it because he plays something different, I didn’t say well, but he definitely is different. As you’ll notice Denzel’s character throughout the movie takes a couple of blows, and he keeps getting back up on the horse to save this train, and hunt down this guy[Travolta]. He is exactly what Chumbawumba sang about 10 years ago. So if you’re willing to pay $10 awesome, either way you should see this movie. It has quite a few F-Bombs though; if you can handle that then by all means check it out. I give this movie a...

LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Parents

2009-05-31T15:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Parents who bring their babies to horror movies,

You are idiots. What good is it to bring a baby to a horror movie called Drag Me to Hell at 9:10 at night. You should not of had kids. Its sickening to even see you take your child into the theater and then and then have him/her cry during the movie. I hope you realize your child will have nightmares for life. I'm Angry!

Sincerely,

CORNY reviews.

UP

2009-05-30T10:24:00.001-07:00

So I first must apologize. I saw this movie early yesterday morning, but I have not posted this until now for a few reasons. 1. I got Lazy. 2. I wanted you all to check out the blog under this one, about the movie Anvil: The Story of Anvil, and 3. I still am a little unsure about how I felt about UP. So here’s my review fans!

Dear Pixar,

I salute you. You have a done many things right in this world, and I think UP was your best yet. Now keep in mind executive of Pixar, I am not a fan of animation movies. My favorite animation movie is Persepolis because it was creative, and innovative. I think all animation movies are the same, and now they all have the word 3D in their title. That’s besides the point here’s what I liked about up. In the weirdest way possible this movie actually seemed real. You used normal everyday humans beings like Russell, and Carl to be your main characters. In all your movies in the past that had humans as main characters they had super powers, so this aspect of the movie was refreshing. It was refreshing that Russell was Asian American. So often we see either white people or African Americans, but never Asian Americans as the lead roles in animation movies. This truly was a remarkable feat I thought, and made me enjoy the character of Russell that much more. If I had any beef in the movie it was that I heard Carl say the world Russell at least 50 times. If you watch the trailer the sound engineer uses the same “Russell” twice, and he does it 3 times in the movie. Not that big of a deal, just thought you should know for Toy Story 3. Don’t say Woody all the time Ok, its perverse, and annoying. Thank you for your time, and know that this movie evoked every emotion I think I have, so well done.

There truly is nothing bad to say about this movie. My favorite character was Doug the dog. He just always provided comic relief and that was really refreshing. Parents notice the rating of this movie PG. I personally would not take a kid to this movie if you have not had talks about death, divorce, parental separation, and miscarriages. You could take them and hope they don’t notice, but there are some major questions to be asked if you have a curious kid as to why certain things happened. Other than that brilliant movie that is definitely for a family even if animation isn’t your thing. Go see UP in theatres because the Big Screen makes the movie come alive. I give this movie a…

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

2009-05-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER ON CORNY REVIEWS, MY GOOD FRIEND JONNY HUTCHINGS. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER...ACTUALLY A GOOD REVIEW.

Salutations! My name is Jonny. Corny Reviews’ founder and fearless leader, Christian Warne, has been kind enough to ask me to contribute to the site, and I am honored to do so. As he previously mentioned, my reviews will be geared towards more independent fare, because a) I’m a closet elitist and b) it’s hard to find interesting things to talk about when we’re imbued with Hollywood summer blockbuster mediocrity. That being said, I am fully aware that “independent” film has become just as commodified as major studio films, but still, I’d much rather talk about Sin Nombre than Transformers 5.

A few things about me: I’m an aspiring filmmaker, I’m extremely opinionated and stubborn (a perfect marriage!), I think Orson Welles and Ingmar Bergman were true geniuses, and I just completed grad school and as a result now hold a Master’s degree in Cinema Studies -- so I think it’s only fair that you automatically respect my opinion. But enough about me. Let’s talk about a charming, redundantly titled documentary called “Anvil! The Story of Anvil.”

For the sake of this review, (which I will now call “Review! A Movie Reviewer Reviews a Movie”), and for the sake of conceptualization, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume a lot of you have seen This Is Spinal Tap. If so, then you’ll be thrilled to know that Anvil proves Spinal Tap is for real; if you haven’t seen Spinal Tap, no need to fret, there is still plenty to like here.

The documentary follows two original members of the once-popular metal band, Anvil, who are now in their fifties. Both Steve “Lips” Kudlow and Robb Reiner (no, not that Rob Reiner) are fascinating, with their never-die attitude, life-long friendship, and constant brotherly quarrels. Back in the 80s, when their brand of metal was dominating the airwaves, they were primed for success, sharing the stage with giants like Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Motley Crue, etc. Unfortunately, and perhaps, inexplicably, they never got their break (interviews with Lars Ulrich, Slash, and Lemmy Kilmister attest to this bewildering occurrence) and, astonishingly, they have been trying to make it ever since -- at the cost of financial instability and frequent absences from home. The film succeeds because both Kudlow and Reiner are extremely funny and entertaining, but beyond entertainment it's easy to have a profound respect for these crusty rockers and it’s even easier to feel sorry for them. Perhaps the most touching aspects of Anvil are the interviews with spouses, siblings and parents, as they demonstrate the degree of tolerance required to stick with middle-aged men still pursuing a 16-year-old’s ultimate rock star fantasy. The amount of unwavering support these people have for the band, even though their dream, by all accounts and measures, is virtually unattainable, is truly heart-warming. Well-shot and edited, Anvil positions itself as an underdog saga even non-metalheads will root for. It effectively tows that fine line between chuckling at its protagonists’ somewhat absurd situation and celebrating their sheer unwillingness to give up. It’s heartbreaking at times to see these guys struggle for so long with little or no day off, but that’s also what is so endearing about the film. These guys want nothing more than to get their music to a large amount of people, and their unbridled passion is both inspiring and touching. It’s at the tail end of its theatrical run, so it may be available in select cities, but most of you will probably have to wait for the rental. Either way, Anvil has a lot of heart and won’t disappoint.

I do declare that this film is deserving of an….

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

All questions, comments, and insults are welcome. Thanks for reading!

Shameless plug: Jonny has just completed his first film, a film noir comedy entitled “Dead Privates,” and plans on shopping it to as many festivals as he can. Please contact him if you’re interested in seeing the film, or are interested in helping spread the word. He won’t pay you with money, but he will pay you in love -- which is priceless.

Hannah Montana: The Movie [DVD]

2009-05-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

Before you say anything, just know that CORNY reviews exists not only to give you reviews of movies that you want to see, but also movies that you may have to see if you are a parent, or a young teen. I am not here to please, just to be your friendly movie reviewer.

Also here in the next few weeks, we will be ADDING A NEW TEAM MEMBER TO CORNY REVIEWS. I have received such good feedback that its time to expand my staff. Fresno doesn’t have an independent theatre, and its time to get some independent movies on this blog. My good friend Jonny starting in the month of June will be stepping into that role [he has really good grammar, so watch out]. I hope that in the near future you will still check back to CORNY reviews to get the best reviews out there!!! For now Hannah Montana: The Movie [DVD]

Dear People sitting in front of me!

I have to say you all were the worst part of this movie. It is a fun totally family friendly movie that really appeals to teenage girls, and their families, and you pretty much ruined it. I personally haven’t ever wanted to shoot somebody because they were annoying me [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28401781/] but you family of 5 in front of me I was seriously considering it. Just know it was close. That’s all I have to say!!!

What do you want me to say? The movies plot is simple; Miley Cyrus has to choose between both worlds. Hannah Montana or the daughter of Tennessee Native Billy Ray Cyrus. If you watch the movie for just pure fun, it’s actually not that bad. There is one scene in front of a revolving door, that was actually kind of creative, and from a director point of few was actually kind of fresh, and something I haven’t seen before. I am not going to lie I liked the cheesiness of the movie, and Miley Cyrus did exactly what she wanted…to get her fans to pay $10 to see her on the big screen. When you make $77 million dollars you must be doing something right. So Kudos to you Miley you managed to make a very family friendly movie that wasn’t awful, and you made bank. Good Job.

Attn: Fathers this is a great movie to RENT with your daughters, it has a good message to it, and that’s why I give this movie a…

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

Terminator: Salvation

2009-05-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

One movie right after the other, this is a great weekend. Also for all those who use rotten tomatoes as your movie source. Stop. It’s not really that good, and it’s just a bunch of people who write their own reviews, and they are never right. I ask that either you use this website exclusively for movie reviews or visit www.ew.com. Now for your review!

Dear Common,

Stop Acting.

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

This movie was exactly what I wanted it to be. High Octane Fun. Rock Solid Action. [Both of which are movie reviews given by the terrible yet awesome movie reviewer Pete Hammond. They were for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, and The Scorpion King.] So you can see how awesome this movie was already. In all seriousness this movie was pretty good. The story, and script were mediocre, but the action made up for it. The only part I didn’t like was Common. He is a terrible actor. John Conner played by Christian Bale wasn’t really the best part, although I commemorate Christian Bale for doing a movie with the director of The O.C., and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. The best part of this movie was really the breakthrough actor Sam Worthington. His story as the T-800 was actually really cool, and it gave the movie a good heart beat throughout. You will hear this name more in the next year, and will see him in a preview during the new Transformers movie. He is the lead actor in James Cameron’s [the director of Titanic, and Aqua Man…starring Vincent Chase] new movie AVATAR, which is going to be awesome. MCG the director gave his audience exactly what we wanted. Action. Lots and Lots of action. Unlike Wolverine the action was appropriate, and not really all that brutal. He kept the dark/end of the world feel of the original Terminators, and added his own fun spin on things. He even chose a great casting director because I thought the acting and casting was great. P.S. look out for an awesome cameo, but not really a cameo. Weird I know. Yeah you should see this movie. Yeah you should be 13 to see this movie, and No there is no use of the F-Word. Congrats Worthington, Bale, and MCG you guys put together a solid movie that I was thoroughly entertained throughout. So you all get a…

LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian

2009-05-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well I hope that everybody had a Good Friday. I only hope that this next review will be helpful as you choose what you see this week.

Dear Casting Director,

I appreciate the fact that you wanted to get just about every fairly well known comedian in one movie, and have some fun with it. While it was fun to see some favs like Jay Baruchal, and Thomas Lennon, it was NOT A FUN…I repeat NOT A FUN movie to watch. If you could tell the writer of this movie to find a better job because it made no sense at all. A bunch of statues trying to prevent the evil yet ridiculous Hank Azaria [yeah that’s right the guy from Tuesdays with Morie is the villain] from bringing his friends back from the dead. As I watched this movie I noticed the dialogue between characters being extremely long, come to think of it Mr. Casting Director, with half the people in this movie being sketch comedy actors, I am wondering if 50% of this movie was not scripted, and therefore you picked live actors to play a lot of the roles, either way BAD MOVIE. I will give you credit for my boy Owen Wilson; at least he got some solid screen time, and was a part of my favorite scene alongside Steve Coogan. Steve Coogan? Yeah I know who he is, but to my fans I just want to say watch out for this guy, because he may be one of the funniest men in movies today. Great casting for them, as far as everyone else I think I lost a lot of respect for them just because there really was no need for them to be in the movie. So thanks for ruining my view of what I think are some pretty cool actors, now I just think their idiots for actually looking at this script and thinking, “OH YEAH I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT.” Last thing Amy Adams was a solid choice for Amelia Airheart, next time you do casting leave her out of it she deserves better writing and directing. Thanks for your time.

Readers, Fan, everyone who dare read this blog listen up. This movie is not good. That is a lot coming from me seeing that I like a lot of movies that most people think are bad…the 6^th Man. It’s not as bad a Drillbit Taylor, but still its bad. I feel like the whole movie is like on run-on sentence. Sure take your kids to see it, it will waste 2 hours of your life, and you kids will just like seeing monkeys hug each other. It’s a win win, you can nap, and your kid can have a good time. I wish I could say don’t even rent this movie, but because I like so many people in the movie, and I really like the first one I am going to give this movie a…

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

Drillbit Taylor

2009-05-22T12:21:00.001-07:00

Attention this is DVD review, so if you only care about movies in the theatres or you saw this already check back tomorrow for a review on Night at the Museum.

Dear Seth Rogen,

What the Heck! Poor writing buddy. I was definitely not a fan. This movie is a direct consequence from getting really famous really fast. You think you can just go out and write anything, and people are going to like it…WRONG. I actually really like Owen Wilson and you put him in a terrible role. I think he did a terrific job with what he had, but what kind of a story is 3 kids hiring a bodyguard, and then realizing he was bum. Not cool dude. The kids that you got to play the bullies were worthless actors, and as far as ME the audience hating the bullies, and liking the geeks, well I felt nothing for anybody except Wilson, and Danny McBride was pretty fun too [but what is he not funny in.] Last thing Mr. Rogen before I go on a hike with my wife, what was your plan for Leslie Mann in this movie. This is your best friends wife, and you throw her in some crazy role as a women who throws herself at pretty much any guy that comes her way. The first time Wilson and Mann meet in this movie I about threw up because their is no way it is possible. I believe Chris Pine from Star Trek liking the She-Hulk more than I believe this ridiculous love story. Brendan Frasier and Leslie Mann will always have the greatest love story every told in George of the Jungle Seth, don’t you forget that.

Thanks. I can’t believe I chewed Seth Rogen out like that. I’ve just seen better writing from him. This movie needs help; you don’t care a whole lot about the characters and honestly don’t waste your time. If you do end up renting it because they are all out of Disaster Movie, don’t worry its pretty clean. Some foul language, and references to sex, and drugs. Seriously though don’t rent it. I give this movie a…

XTRA-SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

Star Trek

2009-05-20T07:37:00.001-07:00

I feel bad for this one. I am sure that most of you have seen this movie already so it doesn't matter a whole bunch what my review says. I promise to get better, and faster with my reviews. A few people have been questioning my use of the word there, their, and they're. Well to all of you whom actually care about grammar when you read someone's movie review there is a great resource called www.ew.com. Now to repeat, I will try and edit my post as best as I can, but the truth is I want to get my review posted as fast as possible. Would you rather go see Babylon A.D. starring Vin Diesel which would have earned an extra small bag of popcorn, or tell me how I need to watch my theirs! Enjoy my next post! Thanks for those of you who check this blog

Dear Mr. Abrams,

Wow! From Felicity to this, I am impressed. Now I don't exactly know the story of every star trek episode, so I can't speak to the accuracy of the film, but as far as the action part, and the story I walked away now a FAN of Star Trek. It may be 30 years to late, but I think that if people my age can like the beatles...then I can like Star Trek. What did you think of my Casting you asked? Well Mr. Abrams I thought you casting was excellant. To bring the kid from Just my Luck starring Lindsey Lohan was a total risk but he payed off playing an amazing Kirk. The obvious is Sylar from Heroes [does anyone even watch that show any more?] He did an amazing job, but by far as my favorites, that was either Bones, or Simon Pegg. I am not sure of Bones as an actor. I should check his IMDB page, but the truth is he was a great friend to Captain Kirk, and I really appreciated the banter that they had back and forth. As for Simon Pegg he added comedy in a position in the movie that in most movies usually drags, but he kept it upbeat, and for that I appreciate him. I just think JJ this is easily your best movie, and arguably your best directoral role as of yet. Lost, Alias, What About Brian, 6 Degrees, and your first Felicity were all great TV shows, with some excellant directing by you, and friends, but TO BRING LIFE TO A DYING FRANCHISE DESERVES A MAJOR ROUND OF APPLAUSE. So thanks

Honestly this film is really good. One sex scene with She-Hulk, a couple bad words, and the obivious violence. I think that I can say this pretty safely that this movie is ok for children 13 and up. Acting, Directing, Script...everything was amazing in my eyes and with all that I give this movie a...

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Jason Segal

2009-05-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

Jason Segal may have just entered my top 5 favorite actors of all time. After seeing I, Love You Man for a second time, watching him play a crazy boyfriend in Undeclared, and loving his character Marshall in HIMYM he just might join the ranks with Jay Baruchal, Owen Wilson, Denzel Washington, Drew Carey, and Mark Wahlberg. Ok Drew Carey was a joke, but everyone else is in my top 5. Segal has just really been surprising me in the last couple of films he's been in. I wouldn't consider him the most appropriate actor of all time, but he definitely shows his fun quirky side in HIMYM, and thats the side I love the most. So Jason Segal I give you for being pure Awesome A...

TRIPLE XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN. [so red-box HIMYM...if you can]

Ghost of Girlfriends Past

2009-05-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, there is a few things you need to know. Corny Reviews was created last Saturday when I said to my friends Scott and Jerrod that I wanted to create a movie review website. Jerrod was the one who thought out the name Corny Reviews, and everything came from their. I just wanted to give credit where credit was due. Another thing you need to know about me is that I will see just about anything in the movie theatre. During Oscar season I see movies for what they are. Anything else after that, and especially during the summer, I see the movies for pure entertainment. Plus they make great dates for my wife and I. I hope you continue to comment, and let me know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with my review. Oh yeah don't judge me for this review!

Dear Mr. McConaughey,

I appreciate you. I actually think you are a not a terrible actor. I have seen you in some really good roles actually. Dazed and Confused, A Time to Kill, Angels in the Outfield those were all excellent role choices for you. This movie...not so much. The only thing this movie gave you was a way out. The first half of this movie there was not a single person in the pact out theatre that actually cared about you. You are a man after women, and thats all we needed to know. Now I know this isn't the REAL YOU Matthew, but in you last 10 movies this is who we as Americans think you are. You have played the same character, and at this point no one cares anymore about you. Now the second half of the movie, well you totally redeem yourself, and actually do a tiny bit of acting. You show us the audience that you as an actor in real life and as a best man in the movie, that you are going to change. This role that you are playing as a womanizer isn't working, and its time for you to get serious about your career. [As you will notice on his IMDB page, he doesn't have any chick flicks under his radar for a long time] Are you done Matthew? Is this the end of the your career in Romantic Comedies? If it is then I actually appreciate this role you took in the move to parallel your new career move. If not, you still can act, just pick better movies!

Sincerely,

Christian Warne [CORNY reviews]

Honestly its not a terrible movie. Jennifer Gardner is extremely sweet in the movie, and you end up falling in love with her character really fast. Breckin Meyer is the only male in the movie that you actually end up liking. Yes thats the guy from Garfield 1 and 2. There is a scene towards the end that makes even me choke up a little bit. So for all its failures, it definitely has some pluses. As far as cleanliness...well its pretty dirty. Lots of sexual innuendos, plenty of cleavage, and lot of women throwing themselves at Matthew McConaughy. Its not the most appropriate to take a girlfriend too, and especially not a girlfriend from you past. Get it. I'm Awesome. The choice is really yours as to whether you want to see it or not. Anyways I hope I have provided you with enough info to make that decision on your own.

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN.

Wolverine

2009-05-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ok so here is my first attempt at this so bare with me. If you haven't already seen Wolverine then you are really not a fan, and you probably won't want to even see it anyway. Before we begin I would just like to say and I have said this before in my other blogs, that I don't care a whole lot about spelling and grammar, so if you don't like that, then don't read this. Now for a Corny Review on Wolverine!

Dear Marvel,

In case you haven't noticed Hugh Jackman will not, and cannot carry a movie by himself. He is not Will Smith, and he doesn't have the greatest track record. Kate & Leopold, Swordfish, may I remind you of the wonderful Van Helsing, none of these movies have a track record to say Yes, lets give him his own movie. Even his latest attempt Australia bombed at the box office. What I am ultimately getting at, is you tried to create a story that we the audience didn't give a rip about because we don't care about the guy that played Leopold! Now I must give credit where credit is due Mr. Stan Lee. This movie was full of great action sequences. I spent most of the movie on the edge of my seat waiting for something cool to blow up. Beyond the action scenes there was really only 2 characters that I really cared about. #1 Ryan Reynolds, and #2 Taylor Kitsch, both of whom had awesome scenes, and both of whom where on the screen for a total of 5 minutes TOPS. Riggins from the television show Friday Night Lights was the best decision your casting director ever made. He was the perfect Gambit, and he was easily the best person in the movie. Now when Ryan Reynolds was on screen before he turned deadpool he was cool too. I spent the rest of the movie wanting him to come back, and once he did, I was totally freaked out, that I didn't care any more. So winning Role goes to Taylor Kitsch playing an excellent version of Gambit! You at least got that right Marvel! Last thing. If you are planning on seeing this movie just know that it is really violent. I would not take a young child to this for 2 reasons...Hugh Jackman may not be the best actor, but he will cause anyone to stumble when he takes his shirt off, and the second reason is because IT IS SERIOUSLY VIOLENT. I love you Gambit, but in all fairness I am going to give this movie a

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN!

What is CORNY reviews?

2009-05-09T22:48:00.000-07:00

Well, not really sure at this point. My vision I guess is to provide you the reader, and watcher with a solid movie review. There are to many people out there that just rip apart movies, and never just watch them for what they really are...entertainment. We have seen in these hard economic times the movie industry has gone up over 23%. People just want to be entertained, and I want to provide them with the perfect entertainment choice. I am not here to tell you whether a movie should win an oscar or not. I am here to tell you what size popcorn you should buy if you end up seeing the movies that I review. I believe you can tell whether a movie is good or not based upon the amount of popcorn consumed by the end of the movie. I will review my movies on this scale.

BAGS OF POPCORN:

XTRA-SMALL - DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME [NOT EVEN ON DVD]

SMALL - ITS NOT TERRIBLE, BUT ITS NOT GOOD EITHER [RENT IT MAYBE]

MEDIUM - GO SEE IT WHY NOT! [RENT THIS]

LARGE - YOU SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE [BUY THIS]

XTRA-LARGE - IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS, YOU ARE AN IDIOT [3-DISC SPECIAL EDITION]

TRIPLE XTRA-LARGE - THIS JUST MEANS PURE AWESOMENESS [RED-BOX IT]

If you have a problem with this Scale. I DON’T care. If you choose to read my reviews. Awesome. If you don’t, there is always EW. Enjoy. I will try and Post 3-4 movie/DVD reviews per week. ENJOY